If not tonight... when?

 I can just imagine what is going through the guys mind in this picture. "I wonder if tonight is the night?" I can also just imagine her thoughts. They could be, "This is so nice, just laying here" or "I'm so tired, I may just drift off to sleep right here". We've all been there, haven't we? 

The magic question for a healthy marriage is how often should we have sex. In most cases, men think it should be more than women. If you've been a part of discussions or read articles about how often men and women think about sex, you are aware that men usually think about it 7-10 times a hour. While women on the other hand think about it 7-10 times a month. Why is that? Well lets face it, men and women are different. 

   One of the biggest misconceptions for both men and women is that sex is purely a physical   act. Sexual intimacy is very emotional as well as physical. Here are a couple things we all    have to think about when it comes to sex.

  Men we have to realize that women are like an oven. Sometimes they need to be pre-heated or warmed up to the idea of sex. Their emotional needs have to be taken care of before your physical needs. Think of it this way. If you want brownies you have to buy the mix, add the oil, add the eggs, a little water, mix it up and bake it. Sure you can go to the store and buy a brownie, but its never as good as homemade. The smell of the brownies as they are baking get you in the mood as you begin to think about the end result. Give her the love. Mix up these ingredients, kind words, encouragement, appreciation, compliments, affection before you enjoy the prize. 

Ladies, men are just as emotional even if they don't show it. Men need to know their woman is attracted to them. Trust me even the strongest men have fragile egos. They need to know they are wanted by the woman that loves them. Recently I read a blog by marriage researcher Saunti Feldhahn. She paralleled it this way. What if your man rarely told you he loved you. When he did, he would make it seem like, "I'm tired, but ok, I love you" or "maybe tomorrow I'll tell you I love you". Sort of makes you feel secondary and not that you are his first priority does it? It is the same for your husband. Don't make him feel secondary. Let sex be your idea once in a while. Don't let distractions get in the way. 

Communication plays a huge part in sexual intimacy. Don't be afraid to discuss it with your spouse. Talk about it. Are we having enough sex? Do we feel connected? Is our relationship healthy and growing? If not, adjustments may have to be made.   Enjoy each other! Focus on what is important. 

Your marriage and your sex life will be enriched as you nurture it together.   

I love you.....really??

How do you communicate love to your spouse? Do you have conversations with them daily? When you tell them you love them, do you have their full attention? Many couples today rush out the door to begin their day and they say "Love you". That is ok, but I'm wondering if that is the only time you let them know you love them. Are the words you speak, full of meaning or empty lyrics. It seems to me that couples struggle the most with being able to communicate. Communication seems to be a lost art. Many times I will ask couples who are struggling to talk to each other, to sit down for ten minutes of uninterrupted talk time. I ask them to talk about anything except a confrontational subject. To tell you the truth, this is not an easy assignment for many couples. It can be awkward and uncomfortable. So when they tell each other "I love you" is there true meaning to those three little words or is it said out of obligation, and really has no meaning. If the "I love you" becomes empty a person feels devalued and unloved. I'm not saying you don't love each other, but what I am saying is when there is a lack of true communication couples become disconnected. It begins without even realizing you are not connected. In fact, lack of good effective communication creeps in on us. If you are finding that you communicate more with people you work with or your friends, or you feel coworkers understand you better than your spouse, you are disconnected. 

Here are six ways to reconnect through communication.

1. When you tell your spouse you love them, pause for moment. Look into there eyes. Tell them how much they mean to you. Add phrases like "You're the best", "You're my favorite", "You mean the world to me".

2. Tell your spouse you love them several times a day. It is not enough to tell them once a day as you're walking out the door. Tell them you love them when you first get home. Tell them how much you appreciate them for who they are. Tell them you love them before, during and after intimacy. Tell them at least three times a day. 

3. If you are struggling to connect, set aside a time to talk. It may not be easy at first but work through it. Eliminate distractions. Go to your special place. The love seat, your two favorite chairs, out on the patio, your porch swing (my personal favorite). Begin by holding hands and share your heart. Good communication builds trust. Your ten minutes could turn into a full evening. 

4. Turn off the electronics. Smart phones, computers, tablets and televisions are huge distractions to communicating. You can text your love to your spouse but try to avoid confrontations and arguments over social media or text. Rather tell your loved one that you can discuss the situation when you are together so you can "talk" about it. Many times emails and texts are misunderstood. You cannot hear the tone of your spouses voice by text. You can see their face. A negative text or email can easily be misinterpreted and build into something bigger than what it is. Use electronics as a positive source of communication to enhance your relationship. 

5. Communicate your love through actions. Help around the house. Do special things for your spouse that you may not normally do. Show your spouse you care. 

6. Lastly, unspoken communication is very effective. The twinkle in your eye, a smile or gentle caress speak loud and clear. 

Do you want to "Escape"?

I was enjoying listening to my '80's music in the car the other day and "Escape" by Rupert Holmes filled the air waves. The premise of the song is about a relationship between two people who have been together for a while and their relationship had grown stale. The guy decides to take out a "personal ad", to see if he can find someone new, fresh and exciting. As it turns out, his lady was bored too and answered the ad. They shocked each other when they both showed up at the predetermined destination. They discovered they still had the same interests, dreams and goals, they just allowed their relationship to grow cold. I certainly don't condone throwing away what you have and looking for another when you think you are bored. The song to me carries a message that your spouse is your real love that needs attention. The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence, it is greener where you water and feed it.

This so easily happens after we've been with the same person for a long length of time. We allow boredom to set in. Life becomes dull as we grow apathetic to the day to day trials of life. Our routine of work, eat, sleep, kiss our spouse, do your chores, let the dog out and repeat, can make any relationship stale. 

The challenge is to make life fun and interesting. Even more important is to not take our marriage for granted. We were attracted to our spouse in the beginning and it is imperative that we focus on our relationship. We need to take the time to enjoy each other. Be sure to go out on dates. Especially when children come into the picture. Enjoy each other, enjoy life. Make it fun. Make it happen. Marriage is work. Choose to keep the sizzle in the marriage.

Have a great 2015...This is your marriage minute.  (The song is 5 minutes, so those minutes are on you if you press play. :-)