Valentine's Day - Love it or leave it.

Some people love it, others hate it. Valentine's Day! When couples celebrate the love they share for each other. I for one have always liked Valentine's Day. Even as a child I loved giving and receiving Valentines. 

Those that love it say..."it is a time for romance, a time for love." I agree. But isn't every day a time for romance? Maybe not but everyday we should most definitely remember to love. So how do we define "Love" 1 Corinthians 13 defines love pretty well. It says that love is patient, kind, not jealous, it does not envy. Webster defines "Love" as a feeling of strong constant affection. I can tell you right now, yes I have a love for my wife that is strong and constant. I also have a love for my children (including their spouses who I consider my children), and I am deeply in love with three little ladies that call me grandpa. To all of them I have a strong constant affection. I can't imagine my life without any of them.

So you see, romance is just a small part of Valentine's day. It is about remembering who we love in our life. It is about remembering who we have loved and who has loved us. It is a time to celebrate those who have touched our lives and made us a better person because of it. 

To the nah say'rs...Make this the best Valentine's Day ever! This year make it ALL about how much love you give to others. Remember the people that have loved you and give them a call, send them a card, buy them a small gift. Singles get together with other singles and party!! Celebrate being friends that truly care for one another. Don't allow yourself to wallow in self pity. Be proud of who you are and give give give love. Think of someone that may be in the same circumstances as you are and invite them to dinner. Visit the forgotten elderly and shower them with love. 

Valentine's day is really all about remembering. Remembering to show love, appreciation, kindness, gratitude for people who have touched our lives. Sure we all celebrate in different ways but the key is that we remember to let other know how much we care for them. 

So Happy Valentine's Day to all....

Guys....don't forget...go out right now and buy a card...make dinner reservations, flowers are nice too. (There are some guys that need reminders) 

Before you put away the Christmas tree

I'm sure that by now most of you have begun putting away your Christmas decorations. At my house we always wait until after the New Year arrives. The New Year is a time of reflection, planning and goal setting. It is a time we can think back on our joy and sadness, our wins and loses that have shaped us and molded us into the person we are.

As we reflect, we can decide what to keep in our life and what to take away. We get to choose what changes we want to make that will help us achieve happiness. If we really look at what makes us happy we have the opportunity to make that choice. In essence we can choose to be happy, and consequently choose NOT to be sad.

Yes there are things in life that make us sad but we have the power within us not to allow the sadness to over take our lives. I find comfort in knowing who I am and what I believe. For me, Christ is the foundation of my happiness. 

As I was thinking about this, I began to stare at our Christmas tree. I discovered that the ornaments told the story of our lives. The happiness we have shared with our family. The story even told us of those we've lost and miss. The first baby rattle that all of our children used. Little stockings with each our children's names on them. New stockings with our Grandchildren's names. Ornaments from vacations and places we've visited. The first ornaments our children made and again new ones our grandchildren made. Our interests and accomplishments can be told through the ornaments of our family tree. Many memories reminding me of the blessings life has given.

A lifetime of joy and happiness we've shared together. The bright star on the top represents hope for the future that can be found through Him. Continued  happiness that we choose to look forward to. Happy New Year everyone! Make 2016 you're best year yet.

They are watching you!!

Most of my blog posts so far have been about marriage. Today however I am posting a family blog about parenting. I love being a parent. I've made mistakes in my parental journey. Watching my children grow up to be adults and parents themselves is fascinating and humbling to say the least. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs and like marriage takes work. They sure are cute when they are babies. Those little eyes are see more than you can imagine. 

Have you ever felt like you are being watched. Is someone there? As you begin to feel a bout of paranoia, you very quickly realize your children are watching every move you make. From infancy and even throughout adulthood your children are observing, learning, digesting almost every single thing we as parents do and say. So what are they learning?

I will often ask a parent how they feel about their children growing up to be just like them. Some parents ponder the question before answering. They may respond by saying they want more for their children, some very quickly say "NO! I don't want them to be anything like me" My next question is sometimes harder to answer. I ask them simply "Why?" Many parents do not realize how much of an influence they have on their children. The old saying "Do as I say, not as I do!" should be thrown out with the trash. Your children are going to remember your actions, your character, your morals and values more than your words. 

You may want to ask yourself, "what are the qualities you want to see in your children growing up?" What values do you want to see your children have when they are adults? How do you want them to treat their children? How do you want them to treat their future spouse? 

Here are just a few character traits children see and will learn from their parents. 

Respectful - If you are pulled over by a law enforcement officer because, well let's face it you were in fact speeding. How do you treat the officer? Do you show them respect? Are you kind to  officer even though you are frustrated, in a hurry, and aggravated because the last thing you need today is a ticket. When you feel your child was not treated fairly by their teacher, do you call or visit the teacher and speak harshly without hearing the teachers point of view. If you do listen to the teacher, but still disagree, are you respectful? How do you treat your own parents? With love, honor and respect? What about your spouse? Are you training your child to be the best wife or husband they can be? Your child is watching and downloading every word. Because, when they grow up they most likely act and talk just like you. 

Responsibility - If you commit to something, do you follow through? It's your turn to work the concession stand at the little league field. It's has been a long hard day. You are exhausted. You think "it won't matter if I'm there, they will be just fine without me" Will they? Are you late to well lets just say every place you need to be. It may be time to reassess what you are able to commit to. Lack of responsibility causes stress and anxiety. Children who learn to be dependable at a young age will grow successful. They will become accountable for their actions and disciplined. 

Loving/Caring - Being kind to people even if they have wronged you teaches a child the ability to forgive. It is the complete opposite of selfishness. You know what..."It's not about you?" It is about others. We all want to be loved! If we give love and care for others we will receive love. Do our children see examples of appreciation from us? Even for the 
smallest act of kindness. Is your house a loving environment? Do you treat each other with love and kindness? Being an example of love and generosity to a child goes a long way into their adult lives.

Honesty - Being an man or woman of integrity speaks volumes to our children. The cashier at the gas station gave us back too much change. How do you respond!! Woo hoo....Bonus! Remember the little eyes are watching. Those eyes love you and all your actions. They want to grow up to be just like you. If you want your child to be honest with you, it is crucial you are honest with them. 

Even if you may think you are doing everything right, remember they are children. There will be bumps and curves on the journey. They are not perfect, (neither are you), they will make mistakes. Being the best example we can be will help them along the way. 

If not tonight... when?

 I can just imagine what is going through the guys mind in this picture. "I wonder if tonight is the night?" I can also just imagine her thoughts. They could be, "This is so nice, just laying here" or "I'm so tired, I may just drift off to sleep right here". We've all been there, haven't we? 

The magic question for a healthy marriage is how often should we have sex. In most cases, men think it should be more than women. If you've been a part of discussions or read articles about how often men and women think about sex, you are aware that men usually think about it 7-10 times a hour. While women on the other hand think about it 7-10 times a month. Why is that? Well lets face it, men and women are different. 

   One of the biggest misconceptions for both men and women is that sex is purely a physical   act. Sexual intimacy is very emotional as well as physical. Here are a couple things we all    have to think about when it comes to sex.

  Men we have to realize that women are like an oven. Sometimes they need to be pre-heated or warmed up to the idea of sex. Their emotional needs have to be taken care of before your physical needs. Think of it this way. If you want brownies you have to buy the mix, add the oil, add the eggs, a little water, mix it up and bake it. Sure you can go to the store and buy a brownie, but its never as good as homemade. The smell of the brownies as they are baking get you in the mood as you begin to think about the end result. Give her the love. Mix up these ingredients, kind words, encouragement, appreciation, compliments, affection before you enjoy the prize. 

Ladies, men are just as emotional even if they don't show it. Men need to know their woman is attracted to them. Trust me even the strongest men have fragile egos. They need to know they are wanted by the woman that loves them. Recently I read a blog by marriage researcher Saunti Feldhahn. She paralleled it this way. What if your man rarely told you he loved you. When he did, he would make it seem like, "I'm tired, but ok, I love you" or "maybe tomorrow I'll tell you I love you". Sort of makes you feel secondary and not that you are his first priority does it? It is the same for your husband. Don't make him feel secondary. Let sex be your idea once in a while. Don't let distractions get in the way. 

Communication plays a huge part in sexual intimacy. Don't be afraid to discuss it with your spouse. Talk about it. Are we having enough sex? Do we feel connected? Is our relationship healthy and growing? If not, adjustments may have to be made.   Enjoy each other! Focus on what is important. 

Your marriage and your sex life will be enriched as you nurture it together.   

I love you.....really??

How do you communicate love to your spouse? Do you have conversations with them daily? When you tell them you love them, do you have their full attention? Many couples today rush out the door to begin their day and they say "Love you". That is ok, but I'm wondering if that is the only time you let them know you love them. Are the words you speak, full of meaning or empty lyrics. It seems to me that couples struggle the most with being able to communicate. Communication seems to be a lost art. Many times I will ask couples who are struggling to talk to each other, to sit down for ten minutes of uninterrupted talk time. I ask them to talk about anything except a confrontational subject. To tell you the truth, this is not an easy assignment for many couples. It can be awkward and uncomfortable. So when they tell each other "I love you" is there true meaning to those three little words or is it said out of obligation, and really has no meaning. If the "I love you" becomes empty a person feels devalued and unloved. I'm not saying you don't love each other, but what I am saying is when there is a lack of true communication couples become disconnected. It begins without even realizing you are not connected. In fact, lack of good effective communication creeps in on us. If you are finding that you communicate more with people you work with or your friends, or you feel coworkers understand you better than your spouse, you are disconnected. 

Here are six ways to reconnect through communication.

1. When you tell your spouse you love them, pause for moment. Look into there eyes. Tell them how much they mean to you. Add phrases like "You're the best", "You're my favorite", "You mean the world to me".

2. Tell your spouse you love them several times a day. It is not enough to tell them once a day as you're walking out the door. Tell them you love them when you first get home. Tell them how much you appreciate them for who they are. Tell them you love them before, during and after intimacy. Tell them at least three times a day. 

3. If you are struggling to connect, set aside a time to talk. It may not be easy at first but work through it. Eliminate distractions. Go to your special place. The love seat, your two favorite chairs, out on the patio, your porch swing (my personal favorite). Begin by holding hands and share your heart. Good communication builds trust. Your ten minutes could turn into a full evening. 

4. Turn off the electronics. Smart phones, computers, tablets and televisions are huge distractions to communicating. You can text your love to your spouse but try to avoid confrontations and arguments over social media or text. Rather tell your loved one that you can discuss the situation when you are together so you can "talk" about it. Many times emails and texts are misunderstood. You cannot hear the tone of your spouses voice by text. You can see their face. A negative text or email can easily be misinterpreted and build into something bigger than what it is. Use electronics as a positive source of communication to enhance your relationship. 

5. Communicate your love through actions. Help around the house. Do special things for your spouse that you may not normally do. Show your spouse you care. 

6. Lastly, unspoken communication is very effective. The twinkle in your eye, a smile or gentle caress speak loud and clear. 

You're getting sleepy....sleepy...sleepy

 Recently I asked approximately 200 children between 11-13 years old if they felt tired during the day. In a very scientific straw poll (notice the satire) the results were staggering. Over 85% of the them told me that they were not just tired during the day, but very tired. According to WebMD, children aged 10-11 need 10 to 11 hours of quality sleep each day. Children 12 to 18 need 8 to 9 hours of quality sleep each day. The children I spoke to on average were getting up at 6 a.m. each day for school. I told them that means you need to be in by 9 p.m. the night before if they were going to get nine hours of sleep. The reactions I got were a little disturbing. Some said they went to be at 10, some 11 and some even midnight. I realize that some may have been fibbing to "look cool". But I fully believe most were being honest with me. I'm wondering if this could be one of the reasons some children are struggling with homework. Or, if their lack of sleep could be contributing to the seemingly increase in bullying in our schools. I don't know about you but when I'm tired, I don't think clearly and my tolerance for others is a lot less than when I'm fully rested. I get moody and sometimes not so fun to be around. 

We talked about all the "why's" they are not getting enough sleep. One of the biggest thieves of sleep time is their cell phones. They all admitted to me that when they close the door to their bedroom the texting, social media, and video watching begins. They are spending hours sending a text to friends, camping out on social media and watching or creating videos to be shared on their video channels. I suggested that they turn off their phones at 9 p.m. and let their friends know that they are off the radar after nine. Well that of course didn't go over so well. I do feel especially in the younger ages, for their own protection, the phones need to be monitored by parents or  guardians. So lets charge those phones up at night in a different room other than the child's bedroom. 

The other thing that is robbing them of a blissful slumber is electronics in their rooms. They admitted to me that they are playing video games or watching television way past their bedtime. Instead of relaxing and winding down most video games and television shows actually rev them up and stimulate them. Some told me the only way they can even go to sleep is with the television on or music playing. I also realize there are children have medical conditions the prevent them from sleeping. I suggest parents communicate with their medical doctors for assistance in this area. 

I have some suggestions I hope you find helpful to encourage your children and yourself to get a restful night. 

• Get on a routine. Go to bed the same time every night. Start with a light healthy snack. Then a warm bath. Change into bedtime cloths. If you are having a hard time getting to sleep grab a book and read for 10-15 minutes. 
• Use breathing techniques. There is a method called the 4-7-8. Most people breath short shallow breaths. The 4-7-8 method is breath in 4 seconds, hold your breath 7 seconds and exhale 8 seconds. Repeat with your eyes closed. Repeat again...and again...and oh sorry I was nodding off. 
• Take the electronics out of the bed room. Or if you absolutely cannot fall asleep without the music or TV, make sure you have a sleep timer so the device will turn off after you sleep. The light from the screen or the music keeps our brain stimulated. Even if we are sleeping its not our best sleep. Our brain needs to turn off to get the rest we need. 
• You may try to increase you sleep hours 30 minutes at a time. You will probably not be able to go from 7 hours to 9 hours all in one night. 
• Reduce the stress. If you find you can't stop thinking about your daily routines or everything you have to get done, keep a note book by your bed so you can write down what ever is causing you to stay awake. Once it is written down, your mind can release it.  

Here's to a peaceful restful sleep...............

Do you want to "Escape"?

I was enjoying listening to my '80's music in the car the other day and "Escape" by Rupert Holmes filled the air waves. The premise of the song is about a relationship between two people who have been together for a while and their relationship had grown stale. The guy decides to take out a "personal ad", to see if he can find someone new, fresh and exciting. As it turns out, his lady was bored too and answered the ad. They shocked each other when they both showed up at the predetermined destination. They discovered they still had the same interests, dreams and goals, they just allowed their relationship to grow cold. I certainly don't condone throwing away what you have and looking for another when you think you are bored. The song to me carries a message that your spouse is your real love that needs attention. The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence, it is greener where you water and feed it.

This so easily happens after we've been with the same person for a long length of time. We allow boredom to set in. Life becomes dull as we grow apathetic to the day to day trials of life. Our routine of work, eat, sleep, kiss our spouse, do your chores, let the dog out and repeat, can make any relationship stale. 

The challenge is to make life fun and interesting. Even more important is to not take our marriage for granted. We were attracted to our spouse in the beginning and it is imperative that we focus on our relationship. We need to take the time to enjoy each other. Be sure to go out on dates. Especially when children come into the picture. Enjoy each other, enjoy life. Make it fun. Make it happen. Marriage is work. Choose to keep the sizzle in the marriage.

Have a great 2015...This is your marriage minute.  (The song is 5 minutes, so those minutes are on you if you press play. :-)